Playing it safe
A letter from the Vital Field Collective
This post is part of an ongoing series of letters written for the Vital Field Collective, our weekly gathering exploring consciousness, presence, and the practice of living from our true nature.
I friggin love safety. It keeps me safe. Really. I do. For me safety helps keep me going. My self preservation urge is strong. Especially strong in the department of wanting to be liked and seeking approval from others. It has also become apparent that what I consider safety is not always a conscious choice.
I have been interested in playing music lately. Hot Cross Buns is a song with three notes that I have really learned to rock out. I am sincerely trying to master the craft of the song, and when people are around, I love showing off my skills with it. At first Hot Cross Buns was me emerging into something new, it was a real expansion of my abilities and performing it has been a way to show others that I have skills, I am a valuable part of society. That alone causes me to automatically return to the song when I play music.
Being on autopilot with Hot Cross Buns has me a little bored with it so I start stumbling with Baa Baa Black Sheep just to spice things up. Then all of a sudden, someone walks in the room and catches me fumbling and my chest tightens, my breath gets shallow, and I energetically leave the moment. Tingling moves through my body, and my body goes into a stress response. I am no longer in flow and the visions of playing Baa Baa Black Sheep like a virtuoso vanish.
Locked up in a loop like a zombie, the three notes of Hot Cross Buns reemerge. I don’t even remember wanting to play that song. I was trying to learn Baa Baa Black Sheep. What the heck? The body dropped into this groove all on its own.
I look around, and see people playing Chopin and Debussy, I wish I could do that too but Hot Cross Buns feels safe because Baa Baa Black Sheep went badly once. People were impatient, they made fun of me, they told me that messing up was not ok, and I told myself the same things. Even with the possibility of venturing beyond Mozart’s Requiem, I am just chilling here with Hot Cross Buns. Fire up a requiem for my dream.
Genuine mastery is still growing inside Hot Cross Buns, I am finding more depth, more nuance, more expression. Loving myself where I am is a part of Mahler’s Resurrection, seeing that light in the darkness allows it to emerge. But there is a difference between playing the song and letting the song play me. As I emerge beyond this container, upheaval begins to appear. Scared Nick, who once tried to play Baa Baa Black Sheep for his friends only to be humiliated, appears and poses a powerful argument to stick with the three notes. The body braces, as I try to stay in the known, and the cage around my heart tightens. Nothing enters and nothing leaves unless this version of me says so.
Do I really need to abandon Hot Cross Buns? Or can I just notice when I am choosing it out of fear versus genuine love for the song. That noticing seems to be everything needed to create the space for Baa Baa Black Sheep to emerge. No abandonment needed, just witnessing in presence creates the space needed to pause the program long enough for something new to emerge.
I suppose that whatever song I am playing is happening for a reason and my nervous system is learning to keep me safe there so I can keep my heart open with the hope of one day playing Beethoven’s Symphony No. 6. That process deserves my respect and compassion.
Life is happening, the song is playing. I am a part of the band, that is not the question. What really matters in this process for me is to play my heart out even if it is not perfect. Only then can the magic emerge. What a gift. Thank YOU for being a part of the band.
John Randolph Price says that our inner supply instantly and constantly takes on form and experience according to our needs and desires. When I see the truth in that, I see the ways in which I am held in unconditional love. UNCONDITIONAL.
The new song wanting to emerge is already inside you, the supply is already there and you are worthy.
Sending love,
DN
